


I Dreamed That God Would Be Forgiving

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [13]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:46:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Dream On</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Dreamed That God Would Be Forgiving

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370), [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377), [Every Now and Then I Fall Apart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641387) and [I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641391)

She awakes with a start. It takes a moment for her to orientate herself and for her eyes to adjust to the dark. She should be more accustomed to this scenario given that it is occurring on a semi regular basis. Bad dreams are not something that she has had a lot of experience with; she has vague recollections of occasionally waking in fear and crying out for her parents as a child but it has been years since her dreams were able to provoke terror. Something has changed and the nightly startle response is close to being her constant companion. It’s frustrating that she has lost such control of her subconscious realm especially when her waking world is already a nightmare. She needs somewhere to escape to, somewhere where things aren’t so painful, but wherever that place is it’s not to be found in her dreams. Sleep is her enemy.

Her dreams are not the stuff of horror films but for her they produce gut-wrenching fear and leave her shaking and unsettled. They are variations on a theme and they are not what she ever imagined would frighten her. Her night terrors should have involved failure and being ridiculed but now that those moments have become her daily bread there is apparently no need to dream about them. Instead her dreams involve Rachel Berry.

There was a time in her life when simply dreaming about Rachel would have qualified as a nightmare but things have changed. Now she would be happy enough to dream about Rachel, in fact she can think of some rather nice dreams to have about Rachel but her dreamscape is not a place that bows to her will. Instead her nights involve the torture of watching Rachel be with someone else. Jesse, Puck, Finn – it doesn’t really matter whose arms are holding Rachel because the point is that they are never Quinn’s. 

In a just world she would awaken with sheets soaked in sweat because she has had a dream in which she has been forced to kiss Rachel Berry. However, the world is anything but just and the reality of the situation is that she is traumatised by having to dream about other people kissing Rachel. She may hate how much she wants Rachel but that does not mean that it’s easy to see Rachel with other people when she closes her eyes. It hurts enough to have to deal with that when she’s awake. 

She does her best to ignore Rachel and her revolving door of beaus. In a way it was easier to deal with Rachel being with Finn or Puck. At least then she could lie to herself, her pain could be easily classified as a narcissistic injury and this would have been totally justifiable. The introduction of Jesse into the mix has removed any element of plausible deniability. He is not an ex and she is not attracted to him so there is no way to explain her feeling of betrayal other than to accept the fact that the feeling is about Rachel. She desperately wishes that Jesse, his talent, his floppy hair and his big ego would just flounce off back to Vocal Adrenaline. It may not stop her pain but at least it would decrease the chances of Quinn having to run into the happy couple on school grounds.

After the demoralising session with Mr Ryan she had been actively seeking Rachel’s company. She was fairly certain that Rachel would either be in full histrionic meltdown about the fact that someone had dared to question her star power or would be a crying mess over her wasted life. Whatever condition she found Rachel in, Quinn was sure that it would be extreme and help to distract her from her own distress. If it happened to mean that Rachel required some comfort and that Quinn would be forced to hold her hand or to hug her, Quinn had decided that she was willing to make that sacrifice.

When she finally located Rachel the brunette was in the library huddled at a table with Jesse. It’s not often that Quinn has felt the need to hit someone, in her old life there wasn’t much need for physical violence as she was capable of crushing someone with a glance, but she really, really wanted to smash Jesse’s smug face in. She is certain that Jesse doesn’t care for Rachel; he is too consumed with feelings for himself to truly care for anyone else. It’s something that she is expert on as that is exactly how she used to be. What she would give to go back to that. Being shallow and selfish is frequently maligned but it is totally underrated. 

Seeing Rachel with Jesse evokes feelings of treason. Said feelings are irrational and undeserved but they are present nonetheless. Every time that Rachel presents Quinn with an opening Quinn fails to take advantage of it and Rachel has every right to look to someone else. Quinn’s God can be a vengeful one and she suspects that she will end up bitter and alone but she knows that the punishment fits the crime. 

The numbers on the display of her clock are moving far too slowly. Morning is still a long, long way away. She doesn’t want to have to have to lie awake with her thoughts but sleep risks images of Jesse’s hands on Rachel’s body. She turns the light on and stares down at the scrap of torn paper on her nightstand. It is almost unbelievable that this is what her dreams have been reduced to, that the biggest thing that she can hope for is that this pregnancy that has permanently scarred her life won’t also scar her body. 

Mr Ryan knows nothing of life and shattered dreams. He had to wait until his adult life failed to live up to his adolescent expectations to discover that fate is cruel. She is not even nearing graduation day and already she has learnt that life offers nothing but disappointment and heartbreak. She is not like the rest of the glee club. She doesn’t have foolish dreams of fame and fortune. Those things are for the weak. They are the dreams of someone who hasn’t realised that you need to let go of your dreams before they drag you down. At best the others will end up on a cruise ship, or in some smoky dive, singing for audiences who care more about their next drink than listening to the entertainment. Some of them will probably even end up like Mr Schue, attempting to relive their dreams through their students. For most of them the only performances that they give in the future will be when they sing in the shower.

She looks at the letters on the paper and admits that she is a total fraud. She may be aware that big dreams are pointless but at least those come from the heart. Mr Ryan had asked them to write down their deepest desires and had she have been brave enough to do so there would have only been two words on her paper. Rachel Berry.

Small clear circles appear on the note and she realises that she is crying. Her epiphany seems to open a floodgate and suddenly she is sobbing uncontrollably. She wraps her arms around her body as though she believes that she has to hold onto it or she will truly fall apart. She knows that she is at risk of disappearing and the most frightening fact of all is that that thought doesn’t scare her the way that it should. Alone in the night her life seems so pointless and she frequently thinks of ending her suffering. It’s ironic that it’s the baby that stops her from doing anything rash because without the baby and everything that it ruined she wouldn’t feel suicidal. 

She pulls her knees up and moves into the closest approximation to a foetal position that she can achieve. Her hands clasp her legs and she holds them as tight as she can and tells herself that she will not slip. In the dark it’s easy to concoct plans to end her own life. Her plans are pragmatic and emotionless. She doesn’t think about people crying over her grave, she just thinks of oblivion. In way she is mad at God because if she didn’t believe in him it would be easier to die. He made her and he is meant to love her but she is not sure that he would forgive her. She’s not brave enough to end her suffering in this world in case it ends up resulting in perpetual suffering in the next. 

It is doubtful that sleep will return to her tonight. She tells herself that this is a blessing. There is nothing left to do but wait for the Earth to rotate and the sun to return. Everything is out of her control and so she rubs another layer of cocoa butter over her abdomen and hopes that tomorrow will be a better day.


End file.
